Thoughts on a Mentally Abusive/Painful Ex-Relationship (Help!)?

Question by dylanfan7: Thoughts On A Mentally Abusive/Painful Ex-Relationship (Help!)?
Hey everyone,

I use Yahoo Answers whenever I feel the need to vent the tough questions to complete strangers, as a stranger. I suppose that’s one beauty of the internet – anonymity. I have a story to tell you, and I know what your answers will be, but I need to hear them anyway, because small parts of me feel like making what I know is a bad decision.

I was in a relationship for about ten months with a girl. I honestly did love her, more than anything. We had so many good times, but also so many bad.
She was ill, and I did everything I could to be there for her through the illness, and if you couldn’t find me on a night, chances are I was in a hospital waiting room or tending to her.

We had numerous arguments, and they tended to revolve around one thing – As a result of male-induced trauma throughout her life, she was hardwired to not trust men, or at least, according to the therapists.

As a result of this, anything I would say to her would be immediately misconstrued as an attack, when it never was, and we’d end up fighting week long battles of me attempting to explain how I was on her side, and for her, and how I was never attacking her, I was usually just casually inquiring things. (i.e. – “What did you do this weekend” could turn into “why are you controlling my life.”)

In addition to this, her family and peers caused similar pressure into my life, causing me to eventually develop some issues of my own, and a near-clinical depression. (I am now wonderful.. medicated, but wonderful.)

Above all, she’d often just be rude to me, and it got to a point where my help with her illness was an expectation rather than a gift of love and devotion, so I’d just feel walked on, and terrible.

All of these fights would get worse when she would openly lie, resort to physical violence (Smashing doors and whatnot, which I never resort to, I’m the opposite kind of angry, I move away from people, not… towards them) and she’d just make me feel terrible. Once she even de-relationship’d me on Facebook, and I’m so anti-Facebook in the first place, but it hurt so much to have my entire friends and family ask why she was doing these things to me online.

Eventually, in the heat of an argument, which again, was brought on by a massive misinterpretation, I had to break up with her. I did it kindly, with love, and I parted nicely.

For the most part the parting was swift, I kept to myself, and aside from a few Twitter comments against me, she settled down much better than expected.

Three months later, she’s posting stories online, “letters” to me about how I’ll always be in her heart, naming all the wonderful times we did have.

Now, it takes two to tango, and obviously I had a hand in some fights. But in the end, it was me fighting her rudeness, her illness and her mental issues, not her.

I still seem to love her, and I can’t figure out why. She made me so unhappy, but at the same time, I break down every so often not being with her anymore. Some people call this mental abuse, I don’t know if it is.

These letters she writes, makes me want to somehow give it another chance. But I know that she drove me into a depression and hurt me so badly, so often, when I devoted my life to doing everything I could for her. In ten months, even through the arguments, I didn’t miss one day telling her how much I still loved her, and how beautiful she was to me.

I’m a smart guy, at least, about other things. Not this. So, now that I’ve told my story, I need some voices of reason. I know I need to continue to move on and ignore these letters, but it’s SO difficult when they seem so heartfelt. (Even though in some of them, she tells some lies about how our relationship operated to make it seem like she was much nicer..)

Please don’t attack me with cynicism or rude comments. I appreciate it. And thank you for taking the time to read this. I think at the very least, typing it out in an open forum at least helped me work through it myself as well.

Best answer:

Answer by Lizzy Lizard
i can kind of understand where you’re coming from. and it is hard to let someone go that you loved so much. and you’re right the internet is a great place to vent as long as you do it anonymously. so i’m going to give you two sides. hers and yours because i know what it’s like to be on both ends. bear with me because it’ll be a little long.
on her part i know what its like to not trust men. i had… so many incidents of not being able to trust men. one was actually (yes i’m going to tell you my traumatic main reason story) when i was 5. it was my birthday and my family their friends and my friends showed up. i also invited my “dad” whom i have never met a day in my life. anyways when the party was over and it was just a few family members (basically me my mom my “dad” my step dad my older brothers and sisters and one of my brothers best friends) i had just gotten a new little tea party set for my birthday and my brothers best friend came in i thought it was just to play with the tea set but in reality it was to rape me. i screamed and cried for help but when they got there it was too late (the door was locked and everyone was outside). he finished off, yelled at me saying it was my fault grabbed a knife he had in his jeans and stabbed me twice before he was yanked off of me. (by the way he was 16) i was sent to the hospital and honestly it’s a miracle i lived i lost so much blood he was sent to jail and my “dad” basically told me that i wasnt his daughter i should have never been born and that he hated me. so yes i had sooooo much trouble trusting men. yes i dated someone when i was 15 and yes i treated him the first 3 months like she treated you then cried because i treated him so badly. but the last time i did it i got a piece of advice that i took kindly to the heart by my grandmother. she told me that not all men are out to hurt me and if one dares to love me with chronic depression, generalized anxiety, and easy anger issues that i should love him in return and show him that i did. well that relationship didn’t work out in the end but the point of that story is that just because she has something to hold against men that it shouldn’t be held against them all. if she was too blind to see that you loved her that much then she isn’t ready to move on from the past. yes things she has gone through will stick with her throughout her life but it’s not worth holding it out on every man.
as for your part in this situation, i know what it’s liked to be pushed away as we speak. i have a boyfriend i’ve been dated for almost four years now and i absolutely love him. but it got harder this last year because he joined the navy and i have only seen him three days of this whole year other than by skype. and its seriously driving me crazy. he’s tried pushing me away more than once and yes we are constantly fighting some arguements he starts others i start and it’s not just him. it’s also work, my family, and his family. it pulled me into another depression and i just dropped everything and ran away back home to my grandma my aunt and my uncle (which home is in italy so i really couldn’t keep in contact my phone didnt work) i sat there and i vented to them about it all. everything mainly my boyfriend. i have literally devoted every aspect of my life physically and mentally into keeping him happy even when i couldn’t be happy myself and this last year i have devoted most of my time supporting him with his decision even when i never agreed with it and he would throw it in my face or walk all over me with it. and i was already so tired of the fighting i didn’t leave him completely i just took a break from reality. and while i was out there my aunt and my uncle gave me a good reason why i should stay or why i should leave. they told me, “love is only worth the love if the two hearts are heavy but not ready to let go. take a look at the story behind the sun and the moon, the sun loved the moon so much, he died every night just to let her breathe.”
i’m not going to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do because that is your decision. if you love her then maybe you should think whether she loved you in return. because if she was so willing to let you walk out then want you back after it happened, how do you know she just doesn’t miss your presence? you did everything you could do for her, you gave her the world, if you want back with her make sure she is ready before you jump right into it or you will get hurt again.

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