My Mood Changes a Lot. Sometimes I’ll Be Very Irritable and Feeling Empty, but Sometimes Just Fine?
Question by Jennaaaaa: My mood changes a lot. Sometimes I’ll be very irritable and feeling empty, but sometimes just fine?
I have dealt with occasional self harm since October 2011, but since 2012 summer its become more frequent. Not really often, only every couple weeks. I just don’t know why I even cut anymore, I just get caught up in the moment of anger or anxiety, so I cut myself.
Ever since I was 12 years old, I’ve always thought there was something wrong with me (or maybe I just wish something is wrong with me). My mind is full of conflicting thoughts. Ever since then I’d always search “personality disorder quizzes” online, I’d take them and most would come out with strong results for borderline personality disorder, or bipolar disorder. Though I know those quizzes aren’t reliable.
When I’m at school or with friends I feel fine for the most part, but maybe 2 out of the 5 school days a week I’ll just shut myself down and won’t feel like talking to anyone and I’ll just be very irritable.
In relationships (only 1 “serious” one earlier this year) I never let myself get close to the person, do anything sexual, hang out.. etc. I’m always overcome by anxiety and thinking the worst will happen.
Whenever I have plans to do something social, I always get the feeling in my stomach and I get extremely nervous for no reason at all.
Sports (I do track) I always want to be the best even though I’m not. And I’m never motivated to run in the off season but there’s always this voice in my head that makes me and I’m miserable. During season I always try to overcompensate injuries just so I don’t have to do anything at practice.
I just always feel this need to have a story, or have an interesting life. Maybe that’s why I cut, but I really feel like nothings wrong with me. I have this good life, with a nice family and house, I had a good childhood. Nothing bad has happened to me. But then I think, no sane person would just cut themselves, right? I mean, I don’t even know.
I always envision bad things happening to me: car accident, cancer, teen pregnancy, just so I would have an excuse to not do anything in my life and get attention from people.
Ever since I was 7, anxiety has caused me to have insomnia. Only on school nights though, I’d just lay in bed with thoughts racing through my mind, or I’d go cry to my parents and they’d get very angry, occasionally my mom would come sleep in my bed and that would make me sleep. But this year, every since September i’ve just down a gulp or nyquil (I’ve gone through 2 bottles or the liquid kind and many of the pills) to help me sleep. and my parents dont notice or else theyd be furious.
In middle school, I began to have increased symptoms or hyperhidrosis (excessive sweating) and that caused a lot of anxiety and i was very insecure. But once I got into highschool i went to the doctor and almost completely resolved that problem.
And everyday (excluding summer, winter, spring breaks) when I get home I have to do the EXACT same things at the EXACT same times or I’ll get very irritable.
Honestly, I think nothings wrong with me, I just want something to be wrong with me. Sorry this was long, but every aspect of my life is consumed by these thoughts (I left a lot of key parts out of this because of the word limit though) and I have no idea if I should get help or not.
Please help me, I don’t even know what to do about this anymore.
Best answer:
Answer by KT Runner
From what I can tell, it’s not bipolar disorder, at least not classic bipolar disorder. You never mention episodes of mania (the elevated feeling people experience in bipolar disorder). This feeling is like being on top of the world, feeling like you can’t sit still, making reckless and impulsive decisions, sometimes having anger outbursts, excessive amounts of energy, little need for sleep, etc. My guess is you are depressed coupled with anxiety. Or anxiety that caused depression. Either way, I would go to a professional. Medication and therapy can really help. It helped me. I used to cut too. I am actually diagnosed bipolar but was misdiagnosed for four years. The pain and confusion was so unbearable. All the thoughts in my head. For me, it felt like something was inside me trying to get out. I would cut hoping to release the pain and whatever was trapped inside me. There are other ways of dealing with what you’re going through. Reach out to someone.
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